Years ago, when I was an undergrad at Columbia, three of my friends staged an intervention. They pulled me aside and casually explained that my “use of coffee as a stimulant” was directly effecting their lives in a negative way.
“Your personality undergoes a complete change, and it’s not a good change!” one friend exclaimed.
Another friend claimed that I directly effected her ability to study, because I wouldn’t be quiet.
“On any given day, you’re already hyper. Do you really need a stimulant to make you more hyper?” another asked.
Of course I paraphrase, because I was high on coffee at the time, and don’t really remember what they said to me. Though the long and short of it was something I expected all along, coffee doesn’t agree with me. And it didn’t matter that I needed it to study. They asked me to find something other than coffee to use. (I chose Mountain Dew.)
, and don’t really remember what they said to me. Though the long and short of it was something I expected all along, coffee doesn’t agree with me. And it didn’t matter that I needed it to study. They asked me to find something other than coffee to use. (I chose Mountain Dew.)
But I do so love the taste of coffee. I mean really and truly love the taste, and the initial jolt of WHOA that I get from that first sip. Nothing quite matches the tingly feel. And for years I would parcel out my coffee hits, like it was some sort of recreational gateway drug. I would explain to people that, “I am not allowed to drink coffee. My friends asked me not to,” and they would chuckle, thinking that it was a joke. But it wasn’t. Though I would occasionally drink short Carmel Macchiatos, or some other sugary sweet concoction I would treat coffee as if it was a decadent dessert. I would ignore the side effects that included, upset stomach, frequent urination, night sweats, and jitters. I told myself I could handle my coffee. Until my unexpected coffee overdose yesterday.I awoke yesterday morning with a pounding headache, and I thought to myself that caffeine might help. And after witnessing a strange stealing incident (a crazy guy stole $25 from another patron who had just paid his check) at my favorite pub, Skinners, I decided to share a cup of coffee with my friend Sara… and then two.
The resulting caffeine intoxication didn’t hit me immediately. Sure I was more gregarious, but not uncontrollably so. And then a few hours passed, and the heart palpitations began. Then the irritability, the lapses in judgment, disorientation, mania, and the long rambling speeches that just wouldn’t stop. I tried to go to bed at a normal hour, but like some sort of macabre mash-up of Poe’s “Tale Tell Heart” I could hear the beating of my own heart. I had become the mad narrator and the old man, wrapped up into one little, inconvenient package. And let me tell you, the results weren’t pretty. I honestly thought I would die.
Imagine: for 15 hours I thought death was the only possibility to end my suffering. In fact, I was certain my heart would simply grow exhausted from pumping at such a rapid rate. And that would be it. No more me. No more anything. All because of coffee. My nemesis.
And then my heart slowed, and a strange euphoric level of calm overtook my exhausted body. I sat down, and redesigned my website. (I hope you like it. Feel free to comment.) I also looked up the coffee entry on Wikipedia, and recognized all of the symptoms of coffee intoxication.
Then it became clear this morning (after 4 hours sleep), everything my friends had told me all those years ago. I realized that though great things can be accomplished with coffee, great harm comes from my use of such a powerful drug. And so today, I bid adieu to my beloved stimulant. We had a sordid past, and I’m hoping to live my life caffeine-free. Here’s to my healthy decaffeinated future.
